Be Kind, Ask for Help, Hang In There, Somebody Needs You
Some thoughts on preparing for the darkness of winter.
National Mental Health Depression Hotline: (866) 903-3787
[Content warning: depression, suicide]
Robin Williams left us 10 years ago. Williams was born in Chicago, but his family moved to Northern California when he was 16 years old, and except for a few years spent in New York City to attend the Juilliard School, that’s where he lived for the rest of his too-short life.
People think of California as a place filled with happy people. Consider the fresh air and sunshine, outdoor sports, and avocados. A young Sheldon Cooper said he couldn’t see himself living in California because he didn’t “trust their carefree lifestyle.” Sunshine, getting outdoors, a healthy whole foods diet, and low stress are all conducive to mental health. But truth be told, California isn’t even in the top 10 happiest states in the United States. Concluding otherwise presupposes that everyone has the time and the physical ability to get outdoors and exercise, the budget to buy healthier but more expensive food, and a lifestyle relatively free from stress. It also ignores the fact that those things aren’t enough for people who may lack a social network of support and who are struggling with physical and mental illnesses.
Robin Williams suffered from undiagnosed Lewy body dementia, a neurological disorder with an array of physical and mental symptoms, including depression. Like many people with depression and related conditions, Williams suffered in relative silence. He passed in the summer, but I think about him this time of year, because it’s such a joyful time of year for some, but it has the potential to be such a dark and difficult time for so many others. I think about how many people are out there hurting, how many people aren’t willing or able to reach out for help, and how many of our friends and loved ones may be suffering without us even knowing it.
I had my own feelings when Williams passed. I didn’t know much about him or about his illness or struggles with mental health. Again, he’d suffered in silence, so his death was unexpected. I’ll admit, my initial emotion was anger—anger because I have loved ones who suffer from depression, and I was afraid him taking his own life might lend legitimacy to this as a solution. As is often the case with anger, my anger was grounded in fear. But those feelings were overshadowed by the bigger feeling that neither his life nor his death were any of my business. As much as I may feel like I’ve known him my entire life, I didn’t know him.
Still, in the hours and days and weeks and months after Williams passed, I thought deeply about these things, and I continue to do so ten years later, especially at this time of year. I’ve seen the lives of friends and family members be forever changed by the deaths of people they cared deeply about.
I hope these thoughts will mean something to everyone who reads them. If you’re depressed, maybe looking at things from the objective point of view of someone you have never met will help in some way. Maybe it will help you take the step of asking for help. If you know someone who is depressed, maybe you’ll be encouraged to check in on them. And if you’re not depressed and you don’t know anyone who is, maybe it will motivate you to be kinder in all your interactions, because you never know what someone is going through. It is with all these hopes that this is written.
“I was sitting here today, thinking. It is not like it is abnormal for me to do, but it is strange. It hit me that there are thousands of us out there who want to kill ourselves sometimes. There are people wanting to throw away their lives while at the same time others are struggling to keep theirs. Some of us beg to die, and some of us beg to live. Most are young, most die unnecessarily, and many are among the most imaginative and gifted that we, as a society, have. The truth of it all is that life really is a precious gift. It sure may seem as a long road, but truth is that this life is short, too short. Some years sure seem long, especially the high school years; but eventually, those years are gone. And when those tough years have passed, we start to wish that time could slow down, and damn do we miss them. Then reality strikes. Time to grow up and ‘it is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance, the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who will not be taken who cannot seem to give and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.’ All I can say is, do not judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. Be nice to everyone you meet because they are fighting a battle you know nothing about, and that I can say from experience.”
—Darielys Tejera, Absolutely Nothing
Be kind.
We never know what another human being may be going through. This is but one of the reasons it is so important to be kind to one another as we make our way through life.
I struggle with this one all of the time. When someone is rude, grumpy, or irritable, especially a stranger at a business or on the telephone, my first instinct is to reciprocate in kind. I battle not to do so, but sometimes I lose that battle.
One of the things I remember in those moments is the day after my dad died. My daughter and I went to the grocery store, and I was driving through the parking lot, looking for a parking space. In my grief, and without even realizing it, I was driving at a snail’s pace. As I parked and got out of the car, the woman who’d been driving behind me leaned out her passenger side window and yelled at me. I was in a vulnerable place, and it stung. When I think of that moment, I remind myself she had no idea what I was going through—I’m sure she’d have been mortified had she known. I also remind myself that there have almost certainly been times I’ve been the angry woman in this scenario—I’m sure I’ve been insensitive toward someone who was going through something I didn’t know anything about. That moment has stuck with me, and I try to remind myself in my everyday dealings that we are all vulnerable and in need of human kindness.
Ask for help.
I know this is easier said than done. I hate asking for help. I used to look at it as something to be proud of—I was self-reliant. But when a friend pointed it out to me as a failing, I had to consider that refusing to ask for help can be a negative thing.
Add to that the fact that often, when we are in the throes of deep depression, we can’t be objective about it. After the birth of my second child, I had severe postpartum depression that lasted for weeks, maybe months. I took care of my baby while my husband was at work, but other than that, I slept and cried. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t shower. And the scariest part was, I was so deeply in it that I didn’t realize something was wrong with me. I came out of it on my own, I guess as a result of my hormones leveling out. But when I did come out of it, I could look back and see that something had been terribly wrong. I remember being angry with my husband then: “Why didn’t you call a doctor? Why didn’t you do something?”
And the truth is, I didn’t think to ask for help. I was too deeply depressed to know to ask for help. But having been through that experience, I think I might now. I hope I might. If you’re reading this and you are depressed, don’t second guess yourself—ask for help, now. Call a friend or family member. Call a doctor. Call the Depression Hotline at (866) 903-3787.
Hang in there.
The sun will come out tomorrow, or perhaps the day after tomorrow. I dont mean to sound glib or flip about something so serious. I know it may seem extremely simplistic to say, “Hang in there,” but sometimes just hanging in there is all we can do. And I know it is easier said than done to believe that sunshine is on its way when you’re feeling like all is lost, but I sincerely believe that sunshine is in the future of each and every person reading this.
No matter how bleak today is, you never know what joy tomorrow or the next day or week or month might bring. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like things were hopeless, only to have more hope than I could ever have imagined come charging into my life from an unexpected corner. I can’t tell you how many dark, sad, and lonely days have been followed by days filled with sunshine and joy and the overwhelming love of my family. And I’m nothing special—this is true for everyone. The future is unwritten.
So please, find a way to hang in there. Do whatever it takes. Call your best friend or a family member or a doctor or a counselor or a pastor or a crisis hotline. Don’t try to struggle through alone, because being alone in your own head is the most hopeless place of all to be. Don’t go there, and certainly don’t stay there. It’s almost impossible to see your options when your mind becomes clouded with sadness and doubt, but you do have good options, you just can’t see them right now. When you can’t see them for yourself, sometimes what you need is another person who can see them for you.
Today may not be a good day, but I promise you, there are many, many good days ahead. And again, I know this is more than a bad day you’re having. It may be a string so long of bad days that you feel like you can’t take even one more of them.
One of my favorite movies is a 1986 film called Crimes of the Heart, starring Diane Keaton, Sissy Spacek, and Jessica Lange as three sisters who are struggling with some pretty severe problems. Diane Keaton’s character is a lonely spinster who can’t have children. Sissy Spacek’s character has been charged with attempted murder. Jessica Lange’s character is the town tramp who left home to become a big movie star and has been hiding the fact that she failed. As you can probably tell, it’s a comedy. At one point, one of the women resorts to drastic measures, and when her sisters ask her why she did it, she responds that she was just having a bad day. Perhaps my favorite line from the film is the response of one of her sisters, who says, “We just have to figure out a way of getting through the really bad days!”
It really is that simple ... and that hard. No matter who we are, no matter how beautiful or how rich or how famous, our lives are made up of a series of good days and bad days strung together. The key is finding a way to minimize and ride out the bad days, even the really bad days, so we can enjoy all of the good days that are ahead of us. You don’t have to do it alone.
Somebody needs you.
When you’re in a really bad place, it may be easy to convince yourself that the people you love will be fine without you, or perhaps even that they will be better off without you. Take it from someone who knows, that is never true for anyone, no matter who you are.
Someone out there needs you. Probably many someones out there need you. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself otherwise, they would not get over the loss of you, not ever. Their lives would forever be sadder and more difficult for having lost you. The number of bad days in their lives would be increased exponentially if you were gone. They may try, but they would never be able to understand. They would be hurt, and angry, and devastated. They would struggle to make it from one day to the next. They would struggle to get out of bed in the morning, to go to work, to take care of their children, to love anyone. They would struggle to feel any joy.
Unfortunately, the sadness, hopelessness, or depression you are feeling wouldn’t go away, not really. It would instead be transferred to everyone you care about. I’m not saying this to add guilt to everything you’re already feeling. I’m not weighing in on whether suicide is a selfish act. I’m trying to put it into perspective. I’m saying that, just as your thinking may be too clouded by sadness to realize that you have options or that there are good days around the corner, it may be too clouded to realize the impact of your life on those you love.
Trust me when I tell you it runs more deeply than you know in this moment. Trust me when I tell you that someone in this world needs you more than you could ever imagine. Pick up the phone, call someone, reach out, get help, give help. Do it right now. And if you don't get through to the first person you try, keep trying until you do get through to someone. Do whatever it takes to stay in the lives of the people who love you and need you. It’s the most important thing you can do for yourself and for those you love.
Depression Hotline: (866) 903-3787