Can I Get Some Feedback on Feedback?
Virtual Office Hours #10
Note: This is one of a series of “ask me anything” posts I did for a group of writers I worked with in fall 2024.
Q: I belong to a critique group. I also have a few friends I share my writing with because I like to get impressions from people who don’t write but who are avid readers. But the feedback I get often varies wildly, even among the members of my critique group. How do I know which feedback is good feedback? How do I know who to listen to? And why does getting feedback sometimes make me feel so upset, or even angry?
A: On the surface, these are three different questions. But it may surprise you to learn how deeply interconnected all three of your questions are, and the answer to processing feedback in a healthy and constructive way involves finding the intersections between these things and asking ourselves some hard questions.
I think your last question is the one that holds the key: Why does getting feedback on our writing sometimes make us feel upset? The basic answer as to why getting feedback can be such an emotional process is that, although we write with the hope of sharing our writing with the world someday, writing is still a very private, personal, and vulnerable thing to be doing, so even valuable and constructive feedback can feel like a personal attack.
Consider the Source
Not all feedback is created equal. When you’re seeking feedback, consider who you’re seeking it from and what kind of feedback you want/are likely to get from that reader.
When you’re getting feedback from mentors, impartial beta readers, or writing coaches, this feedback is likely to be more professional and more objective. But as long as your readers are human beings, there’s going to be some degree of subjectivity involved. Always keep this in mind.
When you seek feedback from peers, make sure it’s a circle of peers you trust to give you feedback that is as constructive and as impartial as possible. What are your group members’ qualifications? Do you trust their insight and opinions on matters of craft? If you have critique group members who are more interested in sounding brilliant or building themselves up, that isn’t likely to be helpful to you. And watch out for readers who are intent on turning your story into something they want it to be.
When you ask family and friends to read your work and to provide feedback, ask yourself why you want feedback from these particular individuals? Are you really seeking constructive feedback that will help you improve your work? Or are you perhaps seeking validation? Or encouragement?
What to Listen To
The best advice I can give you about seeking feedback is to give your readers some guidance. Let them know what kind of feedback you are looking for. Be specific. Help them help you. Are you looking for plot holes? Thin character development? Faulty dialogue? What kind of help do you need? An overall sense of whether the book is engaging or entertaining? Are you just looking for some encouragement? If you are, say so. Oftentimes, the feedback I get is something I already suspected. It validates something I already knew I should change but, for whatever reason, didn’t. This kind of feedback is helpful.
But don’t follow advice blindly. As you mentioned in your question, you might show your work to 10 different readers and get 10 different opinions. Take it all in, but think about whether it rings true to you. In his MasterClass, Neil Gaiman advises that, when a reader tells you something’s wrong, they’re usually right, but when they try to tell you what’s wrong or how to fix it, they’re often wrong. Consider whether the reader is onto something—does something feel off? But use your own judgment as a writer to figure out why it feels off and what to do about it. Gaiman suggests that the problem may not be in the passage the reader points out—it may be something paragraphs, pages, or even chapters back that is causing the problem.
And most importantly, listen to your gut. What do your instincts as a writer tell you? Does the feedback ring true to you? If it doesn’t, maybe it’s feedback you should disregard. If it does, what’s causing you to oppose it? Could it be ego or an unwillingness to let go of something you’re being precious about?
When to Listen
One of the biggest mistakes a writer can make is to seek feedback too early. Try to hold off until you feel you’ve done everything you possibly can to make the work the best it can be. Seeking feedback too early risks having your story or your voice tampered with when it’s still in a vulnerable state.
When you are ready for feedback, be prepared for the emotions it may stir up and consider why it’s stirring those emotions. If possible, read the feedback through once, set it aside for a day, read it again, and then set it aside for a week. This will allow you to work through your emotions and to process the feedback like a professional. More than once, I’ve received feedback that annoyed me, but when I read it again even a day later, I realized I’d interpreted it wrong and taken it too personally. Letting feedback simmer is one of the best ways to process it in a way that allows you to make the best use of it.